Don’t worry, I will not talk to you about cigarettes, coffees, cakes, Facebook and phone calls … I wouldn’t touch those things because anyway while we are looking at those 10 that I will tell you about, we need to keep some pleasure in life. And if we deal with the 10, the usual culprits – cigarettes, sweets, and social media, will probably lose all or some of their appeal on their own. Why do I say deserve rather than must in the title? Because nothing is a must in our lives but if we illuminate those behaviors and eliminate them, the life we truly deserve will unfold to us. It is hard to believe how we, women, are accustomed to wanting so little, what scarcity we accept as normal on all levels of our lives … But this has to be changed by us alone!
Therefore, check which of the ten bad habits of women you will recognize in yourselves:
1. Doing everything on your own
Many women are proud that they do everything in life on their own – from working, to taking care of their homes, to raising their children. This often includes taking care of a parent or someone else in need. Also, taking up hosts of errands that someone else should run. Those women do not seek help and do not delegate tasks, as they believe this would be beneath them. In most cases without even realizing it, they have an air of arrogance and send the message that “they know and do best”! They truly believe that “there’s no one else to do it.” If you ask them directly, the ladies of this group will tell you that no one would help them anyway. To some extent this is true but there is a good reason for that – they have coped on their own for such a long time that this has become the status-quo for everyone around them. The others have just accepted that those women do it all on their own. Their energy of “I know and do it best” also puts an invisible barrier between them and the rest. It’s yet another phenomenon that women who are super active attract passive people in their lives, especially men and children. This is an energetic law which you cannot run away from. When your family wouldn’t even budge, you are already convinced that you should do it all on your own. And last but not least, an active and busy woman has her own views on what should be done how, and even if she accepts help, she is often not happy with the result. When she criticizes the one who dared to help her a couple of times, this person no longer wants to get into trouble …
Healing: Lowering the standards for the results, focusing on what is really important, no scrutinizing minor details, delegating duties, gratitude for every small contribution of another person in our daily lives, realizing that others also know and are sometimes right.
2. Suppressing your dreams and desires
When your job is to encourage people to follow their dreams, you are used to hearing all kinds of excuses – the kids are still small, my husband doesn’t like such trips, I don’t have the money, I don’t have education, I can’t take time off work, next year… Whatever you say out loud, the truth is somewhere else and it sounds like a big I DON’T DESERVE IT! It is just that women don’t believe that they deserve to fulfill their dreams and desires. They don’t believe that they deserve to invest in themselves time, effort and money. They don’t believe that they have the right to ask even tiny bits of the time, money and effort of others. Because if we truly believed that we deserve all of that, we would find a way, moreover without harming anyone. Yes, it might be that we will break the comfort of the people around us who find it normal that we put their needs before our own, but we will not actually harm them. Right the opposite, an energized and inspired woman is able to give much more quality attention and care to her loved ones and be much more useful at work. And I think that we all know, from our own experience, that a depressed, nervous and tired woman is able to ruin the mood and lives of everyone at close range.
I include here also women’s feeling of bothering, intruding or causing difficulties to others. It can be seen as a bad habit by itself. Very often this is the reason to suppress our longings. We don’t even come up with the idea that just like we love to please and to help others even if it costs us time and effort, someone else might want to feel bothered and experience some difficulties for our sake.
Healing: Time to dream away, work with the belief that I deserve a good life and the attention of others, letting go of control, trust that others too can cope with life, focus on the quality of time spent together rather than on the amount of time.
3.Taking offense rather than talking about your feelings
Most women don’t speak straight, however, they easily jump to conclusions on who meant what. It is a double problem – we are prone to taking everything personally, and then we refuse to talk this through with the person involved. People almost never do something putting us in the center of their attention, i.e. on purpose in order to hurt us. The motivation for their actions is quite different and stems from their mindset, past experience, their own needs and fears. If we find ourselves hurt by words or actions of another person, it is because our fears, needs, past experience and mindset were touched, and it is never because the other person wanted that. There is no way to find out what triggered them unless we ask them and talk to them. If you are being honest, you will remember the multiple occasions on which you took offence and the other person was surprised and claimed that “they meant nothing of the kind” or didn’t have a clue on how much they would hurt you.
Healing: Interrupting our own version of the event that goes on in our minds, an open conversation with the other person, speaking from the position of our feelings rather than accusing the other person, understanding the human psyche and other people’s way of thinking
4.Eating up food so that you don’t throw it away
Do you finish your kids’ food? What about finishing yesterday’s meal so that you don’t throw it away? Well, let me bring you the good news, you are throwing it away – in your stomach, and this is absolute disrespect for yourselves! Do you prepare yourselves what you love to eat, or do you just eat what your family prefers? Most women I know eat for lunch whatever they get to on the go because they are in a hurry to work or to take care of their children, and for dinner they eat the favorite meal of the rest of the family. They even mock those who dare sit with their plate and a glass of wine even if they are alone.
Healing: Following the example of those I am making fun of…
5.Arranging and cleaning your home rather than your soul and your life
Women have strict requirements for order and cleanliness. They spend lots of time cleaning, putting things in order, doing the laundry, ironing, they sulk at their kids if they get dirty or are untidy … At the same time, they believe that they don’t have any time for sports, to take a break, to sit peacefully and eat. Is it really more important to have everything clean and neat rather than feeling good? Our life is a sum of moments, so how we spend our time is equal to how we live our life. Think about how much time of your day you spend in household chores? And now tell me – is this really the most important in life? If you answered that you are doing this only in the evening and on the weekend because you go to work, it doesn’t count. Is this the most valuable thing you can do on your weekend?
Healing: Changing the order of your priorities in life, focusing on experiences, on communicating with others, on entertainment, lowering the criteria for “neat and tidy enough”.
6.Avoiding arguments and conflict
Some women avoid arguments and conflict at any cost because they believe that to agree and to settle is a sign of your good manners and open heartedness. However, this is called “fear of conflict”. It has its own history, of course – if you are afraid of conflict, probably you witnessed unpleasant conflicts in your childhood, or your own anger and rebellion were brutally cut off. This is the story of more than one woman. Not every battle is worth fighting of course, but it is sometimes a must that you speak up and stand your ground, and take an action even if this is not going to be liked by somebody. Especially when you defend your own boundaries or not let people do as they please with you, then it is really worth it. Anger accumulates anyway, so if we don’t express it, it will be directed towards ourselves. No wonder there is a spike in autoimmune diseases this century…
Healing: Choose your battles but make sure you fight them when they are worth it!
7.Asking just the minimal in life
Women often tell me something of the kind: “I don’t want to live in luxury, I want us to have a comfortable amount of money, to live a normal life!” or “I asked him to do the dishes because I had to shower the kid, not because I wanted to just sit and polish my toes!” Then I like to tell them something striking like: “And why wouldn’t you want to live in luxury?” or “And what would happen if you asked him to do the dishes just so that you relax a bit?” Women feel shocked and think I am joking. No, I am not joking but challenging them to consider why they want the minimum in their lives. I see that they do not aim for material things at all cost, but they don’t see how brakes there are on their desires. I also didn’t understand that until I started my inner work on abundance … In fact, a woman who lives in abundance can do wonders – donate lots of money to a clinic or school, found an arts school, pay for the treatment of children or of people who are heavily ill. Not mentioning that a woman who lives in abundance would be sufficiently relaxed, nourished by quality food, massaged, hydrated, etc. because she can afford it and because other people take up the errands which she otherwise would. And such a woman, as we already talked, is way more useful to other people.
Healing: Dare to want, first secretly, to yourself, dream boldly. Then dare little by little to ask from people who could give you and help you. There is nothing bad in asking, you can only be wrong in the way you ask – for example if you demand, break things, sulk, expect, show dissatisfaction. If you ask and then accept a refusal with a smile, everything is allowed!
8.Feeling guilt
We women “were born guilty”, as they say. We feel guilt not only for what we have done but also for what we have not done, and also for what others have or have not done. This situation is aggravated by our perfectionism and our proneness to take responsibility for the decisions of others. Putting it in a different way – the higher your requirements to yourself and to life, the easier it is to be dissatisfied with yourself and to blame yourself. The more lives you believe you are responsible for, the more occasions you have for self-blame. Now put the two together and add the minor issues that we are bothering ourselves with, add also the requirements to yourselves, especially regarding your personal development … Well, there’s no time left for anything else. The inner critic accompanies every woman, and… is ruining her life!
Healing: Ignoring the blaming voice in our heads, defining the requirements to ourselves as well as the span of our responsibilities, focusing on our next steps.
9.Finding excuses for the bad behavior of others
I have heard numerous stories from my clients on how they let – mainly the men in their lives – ignore them, humiliate them, say insulting things to them, criticize them, take advantage of them. I have heard of women who work three jobs while their husbands gamble, women who for years put up with another woman in the life of their loved one and keep quiet … And recently, a client of mine has shared with me the following: “I don’t mind him being rude to me, but I will never let him hit me!” I always explain to them so vigorously that it is their duty to rebel against this, to set boundaries, to say NO! We shouldn’t accept anything different from a respectful, supportive and loving attitude! Women, however, worry that they will appear bad if they stand up for themselves, and regularly find excuses for the bad behavior of others. The speak like well-read experts: “He had a difficult childhood, a controlling mother!” “He has no money right now, his ex-wife is blackmailing him…” All this compassion and understanding should be directed towards ourselves and not to others. The good and compassionate girl always attracts tyrannical and narcissistic personalities. If she shrinks in front of them and excuses them, she harms herself and them as well. The only chance for a tyrant to change is when someone stands up against their tyranny.
Healing: Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, saying NO, having clear standards of what is allowed and what is not allowed towards me!
10.Waiting for others to find out what you need
Are you waiting for other people to surprise you, to see how tired and overloaded you are, to offer you help? If so, you probably already know that the more we are waiting, the more disappointed we get. Sometimes we don’t change our behavior even after years of accumulated bitterness and unmet expectations. And sometimes we want to catch others making a mistake … On purpose, we don’t say anything, and we wait for them to forget about us, our needs and special occasions, and then start nagging. It is how we are, it is more important to be right than to be happy! But it is not worth it. Others cannot know what we want, feel and dream of …, sometimes even we don’t know that for ourselves. When we are in our heads, we just don’t get it how what we want is not obvious to others – don’t they know us, don’t they want to make us happy!? However, for the others it is not obvious, it is not even close to obvious no matter how much they love us. And we also forget that other people have their own and very different way of thinking and focus on very different things in life.
Healing: Expressing my desires, teaching others how to treat me and what I like, appreciating the gestures of others, even when I have asked for them.
Even if you show all ten behaviors, don’t worry, we all do it. It was how I lived for many years. We are doing it out of love! Love for others is our destination, however, we just don’t understand that this is not the way to love them. And love for others is not possible without love for ourselves.
If you need support in finding love or getting back the harmony and passion in your relationship, check my book 33 Epiphanies About Love HERE!
Yours truly,
Irina
